Everyone in their lifetime will experience various emotional reactions and from time to time, these reactions may be stronger than usual. This can cause discomfort and pressure to various situations which can be hard to manage when experiencing emotions such as anger, sadness, and anxiety (Klynn, 2021). As many of us can attest, our emotional outbursts can have harmful consequences on our relationships and self, and some with lasting impact. That is our children's lives will not be defined only by how we feel, but what we do.

Emotion regulation involves managing one’s emotions by utilising strategies that target the source of the emotional response (Milgram et al., 2023). Building tolerance skills can help individuals feel in control of their emotions when feeling distressed (Compitus, 2020). Furthermore, identifying causes of being triggered can help manage these emotional distress and behavioural responses, and build skills to be equipped in these situations. Modern parenting is strongly focussed on understanding and validating feelings, however this is only one part of a series that forms emotional regulation, and the whole is greater than the sum of parts.

Beyond the Airy Fairy

Talking about emotions gives many people the ‘ick’. The word emotion has attracted stigma over the past two decades in its rise to fame in the education (CASEL, 2024), corporate and health sectors. “Being emotional” is often synonymatic with neuroticism, while emotionality is often juxtaposed with logic. Therefore, people fall victim to the dichotomous choice of choosing logic or emotion, with people feeling safer in the former. The reality is whether we pay attention to emotions or not, they exist with the pure function to motivate behaviours. Ironically, not paying attention to our emotions predicts emotional vulnerability, dysregulated behaviours, and chronic mental health issues. It is however, what we do, even we don't feel like it.

Regulating emotions is important for cognitive performance in everyday tasks/activities, such as building and maintaining healthy relationships, managing academic stressors, playing sport, and attending work (Macleod & Conway, 2005). Emotion regulation also predicts self-efficacy and realistic optimism allowing individuals to adapt to negative stressors and maintain healthy functioning (Glassie & Schutte, 2024; Polizzi & Lynn, 2021; Usán et al., 2022).

However, emotion regulation isn’t just about learning coping skills. Deficits in emotion regulation are often explained by poor emotional awareness - we need to ‘name to tame’. According to Mayer et al. (2008), emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, understand and manage one’s own emotions and those of others. A recent blog by Arsalan Moin emphasises the importance of "teaching our children how to show up when we are not motivated, how we engage when we are bored, and how to be kind when we are angry", that is the power of piloting our actions.

By this equation, we first need to recognise and understand our emotions which starts with correlating physiological responses with emotional states, and broadening our emotional literacy beyond ‘sad, bad, angry, mad, happy, ok’. By doing this we can effectively communicate how we are feeling. For example stating you feel betrayed is different to feeling jealous or provoked, and yet all can be diluted as ‘angry’. Once we can communicate to ourselves our inner experience, we are then better able to communicate to others and thus better understood and responded to. Additionally, we are then able to recognise triggers, thoughts, states, and develop an awareness and perhaps even acceptance (not approval) for what is being experienced. It is hopefully obvious that by developing emotional self-awareness, we naturally become more empathetic to those around us. Conversely, when we fail to understand or recognise our emotions, we become fearful of them which often leads to suppression or avoidance, negatively impacting our self-concept, relationships, and moreover leads to emotions rebounding ten-fold (Bradley et al., 2024). It is then not surprising to know that difficulties with emotion regulation sits across many mental health disorders.

Emotion Regulation

By recognising the positive impact of emotional awareness and literacy on our perception of self and our relationships, we can appreciate the importance on psychological resilience and its key role in mental health.

Emotions serve an important function – to motivate, while logic provides helpful assessment, and it is then the balance we seek. It is important to distinguish between what to do once we are triggered versus how we can better manage our emotions in the longer term. For example exercise or eating well in the midst of a war zone in the home will not be helpful - I am sure we have all experienced the intensified rage when someone says ‘calm down’, 'just breathe', or 'you're in a bad mood' in the midst of a triggering situation. For those situations distress tolerance skills can be more helpful, however this article we will focus on emotion regulation. That is how to recognise our mood changing, for intervention before we become triggered and enraged. Emotion regulation is then about managing the intensity and duration of emotions to reduce chronic stress and negativity for more goal driven behaviour. While these skills will be helpful for longer term management, they may not be helpful or appropriate for tolerating painful situations. Instead, distress tolerance is a survival skill for getting through difficult moments without harming ourselves or others.

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Suppressing emotions can lead to chronic stress, which may contribute to physical health problems such as heart disease, digestive issues, weakened immunity, and mental health disorders like anxiety and depression. Poor emotion regulation can have wide-ranging implications across psychological, physical, and social domains. Stress, anxiety, depression and anger contribute to emotional dysregulation which is a symptom that exists across many mental health disorders. Struggling with emotional control can have negative outcomes such as cognitive deficits, interpersonal difficulties, and an overall decline in wellbeing. Avoiding or suppressing emotions make the next distressing experience possibly worse, and can lead to chronic stress. Here are some of the associated symptoms with poor emotion regulation:

Psychological Implications:

  • Increased Risk of Mental Health Disorders: Poor regulation is linked to anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD.
  • Low Self-Esteem: Inability to manage emotions can lead to feelings of helplessness or self-criticism.
  • Impulsivity: Difficulty regulating intense emotions may result in impulsive behavior, including substance use or self-harm.
  • Emotional Instability: Frequent mood swings or disproportionate emotional reactions can occur.

Physiological Implications:

Physiological implications from having strong emotional reactions can cause high temperature sensations, respiratory issues, cardiovascular accelerations and decelerations, trembling and muscle spasms. Responses are also the result of the autonomic nervous system which controls involuntary physical responses. In other words, it regulates our fight or flight responses.

Social and Interpersonal effects:

  • Relationship Strain: Mismanaged emotions can lead to conflict, miscommunication, or emotional withdrawal.
  • Workplace Challenges: Poor emotional control may impair decision-making, reduce productivity, or lead to unprofessional behavior.
  • Social Isolation: Others may avoid individuals who react unpredictably or intensely.

Biological Implications:

The limbic system in the brain is highly involved in emotion and emotion regulation. Information from the amygdala (structure in the limbic system) plays an important role in emotion evoking events which then move along two pathways in the brain and processes fight of flight responses (mentioned above). These responses can shape how we respond to adverse emotional stimuli and impact building distress tolerance skills. Therefore when these systems become less effective, dysregulated, or hyper-sensitive, our cognition, judgement, concentration, and ability to manage challenging situations becomes impaired.

Strategies

Teaching emotional literacy and awareness can be challenging because it requires parents to stay calm even when their child is dysregulated, which isn't always easy in high-stress moments. Using emotion regulation strategies effectively depends on timing—offering guidance or 'coaching' when a child is too overwhelmed may backfire (accidentally reinforcing poor behaviour), while waiting for calm and allowing children to learn self-regulation skills creates space for learning. Striking the right balance between support and boundaries helps children feel safe while also learning that their emotions are valid, but not a free pass for inappropriate behaviour.

Emotion regulation skills seek to reduce emotional stimulation when reacting to adverse situations and creates a safeguard against distress. Furthermore, this can lead to protection against negative outcomes and promote emotional flexibility (Polizzi & Lynn, 2021). Remember, this is not about managing in the moment stressors, but regulating emotions on a longer term basis.

An easy acronym that can be used when thinking about emotion regulation is PLEASE.

PL – Treat physical illness

E – Eat healthy

A – Avoid mood-altering drugs

S – Sleep Well

E - Exercise.

Simples. Yet, if you were to honestly answer the question – do I care for each of these equally and mindfully, majority of us would answer no. That’s not to point blame or induce self-criticism but merely to point out that even though this notion is simplistic, there are layers of life, self-impositions, barriers, and cognitions (justifications) that see these oscillate and at times fall at the wayside.

It can then be helpful to ask ourselves, what gets in the way of these things? Are these barriers modifiable? Can I adjust my environment to better care for each of these things in moderation? Do I want to improve any of these, and if not, why not? We want these in good balance for our children, however if we are sacrificing one or more of these in our daily life, it seems unfair to expect our children with less executive function to do better. The adage ‘do as I say, not as I do’ is convenient, yet hypocritical and provoking.

Past research has found that the more people who knew the source of their emotions, the more they tried to regulate them. This illustrates that acknowledging experienced negative emotions, can predict more success in reducing the negative effects and increases greater wellbeing (Milgram et al., 2023). Emotion regulation has also been linked to being a key element for developing adaptive psychological change and the implementation of strategies.

As mentioned above, strategies can help emotion regulation and build skills. The following strategies target the source of the emotional response:

Situation modification:

This strategy involves changing the situation that evoked the emotion. Changing certain aspects of the external environment can lead to a better emotional experience. By acknowledging your emotions and setting clear boundaries, situation modification can help prevent situations that trigger negative emotions.

Cognitive reappraisal:

This strategy encourages individuals to reinterpret the situation. An example of this would be taking criticism as an opportunity for growth, or challenging negative automatic thoughts for example, 'that person was deliberately rude" vs "maybe they're having a bad day" or "this is all my fault, I should have thought this through better" to "that was a mistake that I didn't anticipate, next time I'll do it differently". This will help reduce anger and anxiety by reinventing the situation into one that is constructive and beneficial to wellbeing.

Self-efficacy:

This strategy can tolerate distress and help predict what is influencing the trigger. For example, it could be due to tiredness, life stressors, degree of social support and even hunger (Veilleux, 2023). Repeated experiences of distress can also be indicative of individual differences in distress tolerance skills. By implementing this strategy, self-efficacy can help individuals apply control over their own behaviour and social environment.

Psychological Resources

Utilising the strategies mentioned above will help individuals be more equipped to manage emotions and triggers.

Individuals who have access to resources (e.g., seeking help from a friend, parent, carer, grandparent, uncle, teacher, mentor, psychologist, counsellor or other forms of support) are more capable of tolerating their distress. This is likely because seeking support and accessing psychological resources can help individuals attend to contextual factors that may be underlying distress and actions related to the situation.

Of course, every child is different. If you feel your child is struggling or you are looking for strategies to assist their growth, please reach out to one of our school counsellors who can provide some resources, strategies, and where necessary clinical support for you and your child.

Try This!

Below are more strategies people can try to implement when managing emotional reactions, remembering its not a one-size fits all and requires patience, practice, and open-mindedness :

Mindfulness –Mindfulness reduces stress through a type of meditation that focuses on being present. This includes being aware of what you’re currently feeling in the moment without judgement or interpretation. Practising mindfulness involves breathing methods and guided imagery that relaxes the body and mind.

Practice self-care and self-compassion– Caring for your mental health is important as it promotes positive wellbeing and reduces stress. Ways to practise self-care include making sleep a priority, setting goals, engaging in relaxing activities (e.g., a sunset stroll, bath, favourite TV show/book), staying connected with friends and family, and journaling. Remember, self-care isn’t selfish, its necessary.

Be open with how you’re feeling with someone you trust (e.g., family and friends). Negative emotional reactions can have an lasting impacts on relationships so it is important to assert your needs and feelings, and be open to theirs - they may be able to help you understand what the trigger is and calm emotions or give you the space you need..

Create space – we so often rush between our roles and places, without sufficient time to transition. Dr Adam Fraser coined the term "third space' to describe transitions between work and home. This third space might be the commute home, the walk to pick up kids from school, or an intentional activity or break between situations, This space allows us to pause the stressors from one place before entering a new space. This can help reduce stress by slowing down the moment and re-setting our body and mind, in preparation for the new situation and emotional demands.

Further Resources:

Websites & Online Resources
Child Mind Institute
  • Why it’s great: Offers research-backed strategies for understanding and managing children’s emotions.
  • Topics include tantrums, anxiety, behavior, emotional development, and parenting tools.
Emotion Coaching by Gottman Institute
  • Learn the 5 Steps of Emotion Coaching to validate feelings, connect emotionally, and guide kids through emotional challenges.
  • Helpful articles and videos for parents of all ages.
ZERO TO THREE
  • Focuses on early childhood (ages 0–5).
  • Offers parenting resources that teach emotional literacy from infancy, including how to label and respond to emotions.
Sesame Street in Communities – Emotions
  • Engaging videos, printables, and games for younger kids that parents can use to talk about emotions.
CASEL – Family Engagement Resources
  • Social Emotional Learning (SEL) tools that schools and families can use together.
  • Ideal for parents wanting to reinforce SEL at home.

Books for Parents to Teach Emotion Literacy & Regulation
For Parents of Young Children (Ages 0–7):
  • "The Whole-Brain Child" by Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson
    • Explains how brain development impacts emotions and behavior with tools to nurture emotional regulation.
  • "How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen" by Joanna Faber & Julie King
    • Practical communication strategies to help kids express and manage emotions.
For Parents of Older Kids and Teens (Ages 8–18):
  • "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" by John Gottman
    • Teaches parents how to coach kids through emotional challenges using empathy and guidance.
  • "Brain-Body Parenting" by Mona Delahooke
    • Offers tools for regulating a child’s nervous system and responding to behavior with emotional insight.
  • "Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety" by Dr. John Duffy
    • Focuses on emotional and mental health in modern teens.

Interactive/Activity-Based:
  • "The Feelings Book" by Lynda Madison (American Girl series)
    • For parents and tweens to explore emotions together.
  • "What’s Going On in There?" by Lise Eliot
    • A neuroscience-based guide to how children’s brains and emotions develop from birth through adolescence.

Apps Parents Can Use With Children or Independently
For Kids (with parental involvement):
  • Daniel Tiger’s Grr-ific Feelings (PBS Kids) – For ages 2–5.
  • Breathe, Think, Do with Sesame – Problem-solving and calm-down skills for ages 2-5
  • Smiling Mind – Family-focused mindfulness app, good for ages 7+.
For Parents:
  • Parenting Hero – Simulates real-life parent-child conversations to improve emotional responses.
  • Headspace for Parents – Offers mindfulness exercises for caregivers and tips on how to support kids emotionally.

Podcasts for Parents on Emotions & Parenting
  • "Raising Good Humans" with Dr. Aliza Pressman
    • Child development expert shares practical tools for raising emotionally healthy kids.
  • "Your Parenting Mojo"
    • Evidence-based discussions on parenting, emotional regulation, and child psychology.
  • "Janet Lansbury – Unruffled"
    • Focuses on respectful parenting and emotional growth in young children.
  • "Tilt Parenting" (for differently wired kids, including those with ADHD, anxiety, etc.)
    • Insight into emotional support for neurodivergent kids.

Developing our emotional literacy will help develop understanding, communication, and therefore management of our emotions for positive outcomes. This wheel can be a helpful resource.

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References

Bradley, C. M., Greer, L. L., Trinh, E., & Sanchez-Burks, J. (2024). Responding to the emotions of others at work: a review and integrative theoretical framework for the effects of emotion-response strategies on work-related outcomes. The Academy of Management Annals, 18(1), 3–43. https://doi.org/10.5465/annals.2022.0044

Compitus, K. (2020, October 01). What are distress tolerance skills? Your ultimate DBT toolkit. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/distress-tolerance-skills/

Healthwise Staff. (2023, June 24). Managing your emotional reactions. Alberta. https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/pages/conditions.aspx?Hwid=acl8516

Klynn, B. (2021, June 22). Emotion regulation: skills, exercises, and strategies. BetterUp. https://www.betterup.com/blog/emotional-regulation-skills

Millgram, Y., Nock, M. K., Bailey, D. D., & Goldenberg, A. (2023). Knowledge about the source of emotion predicts emotion-regulation attempts, strategies, and perceived emotion-regulation success. Psychological Science, 34(11), 1244–1255. https://doi.org/10.1177/09567976231199440

Polizzi, C. P., & Lynn, S. J. (2021). Regulating emotionality to manage adversity: a systematic review of the relation between emotion regulation and psychological resilience. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 45(4), 577–597. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-020-10186-1

R U OK?. (2020, August 20). Tips for managing emotional reactions during an R U OK? Conversation. R U OK?. https://www.ruok.org.au/tips-for-managing-emotional-reactions

Veilleux, J. C. (2023). A Theory of Momentary Distress Tolerance: Toward understanding contextually situated choices to engage with or avoid distress. Clinical Psychological Science, 11(2), 357–380. https://doi.org/10.1177/21677026221118327