Optimal parenting

Best child outcomes (socially, emotionally and academically) from parenting combines​ High expectations and demands ​in the context of ​a warm, respectful, open, supportive relationship.

When spending time with your child or in the moments you get:

  • Be present (avoid multi-tasking)​
  • Use “Time-In” to provide positive attention​ - 10-20 minutes per day is all that is needed to create secure relationships.
  • Special Time is important to empower, show understanding/interest, build confidence and develop self-concept.​

For this article we distinguish between discipline (the intention) and punishment (the action) as:

Punishment: the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offence, or the imposition of an undesirable or unpleasant outcome from a person of authority.

Discipline: the practice of teaching people to obey rules or a code of behaviour.

Punishment has little effectiveness that is limited to short term and superficial.

  • Research tells us is that the punished behaviour is likely to reoccur once the punishment is withdrawn. ​
  • Models​ punishing behaviour
  • Models the assumption that causing discomfort is the way to get what you want from others and getting what you want is more important than maintaining a good relationship. ​

In contrast, discipline leaves the student without doubt they are valued and respected, and all actions are primarily focussed on the good development of the student (not the comfort of the adult).

What is Corporal Punishment?

The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child, in its General Comment No. 8 (2006)

Any punishment in which physical force is used and intended to cause some degree of pain or discomfort, however light.

This included hitting (smacking, spanking, slapping, kicking, scratching, pinching, shaking, or throwing the child, pulling hair, boxing ears, and biting) with the hand or with a stick, belt, shoe, wooden spoon, or whip, or burning, scalding, or forced ingestion (for example, washing children’s mouths out with soap or forcing them to swallow hot spices). The view is that corporal punishment is intrinsically degrading and, therefore, incompatible with the Convention on the Rights of the Child (‘the Convention’). Moreover, other nonphysical behaviour that belittles, threatens, scares, ridicules, denigrates, or humiliates the child has also been found to be incompatible with the Convention.

"In the view of the Committee, corporal punishment is invariably degrading" - The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child, in its General Comment No. 8 (2006)

Child Punishment in Australia

The Dangers of Corporal Punishment

Corporal punishment may seem like an immediate solution for correcting behaviour, but studies reveal significant risks. These include:

  1. Increased Aggression: Children who are physically punished are more likely to exhibit aggressive behaviour toward others. This is because they may learn to use violence as a means of solving problems or expressing frustration.
  2. Emotional Harm: Physical punishment can lead to feelings of fear, resentment, and anger. Children may also develop a sense of helplessness or confusion, unable to reconcile their love for their parents with the pain of punishment.
  3. Damaged Parent-Child Relationship: Corporal punishment can erode the bond between parent and child, replacing trust with fear. When children are punished physically, they may be less likely to approach their parents for support or guidance in the future.
  4. Mental Health Issues: Long-term exposure to physical punishment has been linked to anxiety, depression, and lower self-esteem in children. These emotional struggles can carry over into adulthood, affecting overall mental health and wellbeing.
  5. Ineffective in the Long-Term: While corporal punishment may lead to immediate compliance, it does not teach children why their behaviour was wrong or help them develop self-discipline. This may see children engage in behaviours covertly as they become heavily motivated by the avoidance of consequences, rather than intrinsic values and morality. For example, fast drivers slow down as they approach a speed camera or a police car but are not found to slow down their average speed across distance. Furthermore, over time children may become desensitised to physical punishment, making it less effective (often fuelling the severity of punishments and parental stress).

Negative outcomes associated with corporal punishment among children include:

  • mental ill-health, including behavioural and anxiety disorders, depression, hopelessness, low self-esteem, self-harm and suicide attempts, alcohol and drug dependency, hostility and emotional instability, which continue into adulthood;
  • impaired cognitive and socio-emotional development, specifically emotion regulation and conflict solving skills;
  • damage to education, including school dropout and lower academic and occupational success;
  • poor moral internalisation and increased antisocial behaviour;
  • increased aggression in children.

Effective Disciplinarian Alternatives

Fortunately, there are many positive, effective alternatives to corporal punishment that promote healthy behaviour and strengthen parent-child relationships. These strategies are grounded in respect, understanding, and communication.

  1. Positive Reinforcement: Focus on rewarding good behaviour rather than punishing bad behaviour. We overestimate how much we do this, and underestimate the opportunities our children present to lean into their positive behaviours. Praise and encourage your child when they make positive choices, helping them understand the value of their actions. This can include verbal praise, appropriate affection (even smiling eye contact or a tap on the back speaks volumes), carving out time for an activity of their choosing (with or without you), or small rewards.
  2. Time-Outs: Contrary to belief, when time-outs are instructed in a safe and neutral tone, they are not rejecting and are not found to be detrimental to a child’s attachment to their caregiver, nor found to have a negative effect on their wellbeing (see Dadds & Tully, 2019). Instead, a brief time-out can give both the child and the parent time to cool down. It provides an opportunity for reflection, helping children recognize the consequences of their actions without feeling humiliated. For teens, this might be a simple and firm instruction to retreat to their own space, and re-engage when everyone is calmer.
  3. Natural Consequences: Allow children to experience the natural consequences of their actions when it is safe to do so. That is they are effective in teaching responsibility and accountability. For example, if they forget their homework, they might not be able to participate in a fun activity until it is completed. Or, they may not do so well in an assignment. Willingness to let our children fail requires courage from parents and trust that the longer term benefits will outweigh the short term costs. Creating subsequent opportunities to reflect, be curious, and problem solve with your child will help develop foresight and positive behaviour change.
  4. Setting Clear Boundaries and Expectations: Clearly define rules and expectations, explaining why certain behaviours are not acceptable. Consistency is key in reinforcing these boundaries, helping children understand the structure and predictability of their environment.
  5. Good Behaviour: Children learn by example. Model the behaviour you want to see in your child by responding to challenges with patience, empathy, and problem-solving skills. This not only teaches them how to act but also strengthens your relationship.
  6. Effective Communication: Use open and respectful communication to help your child understand why their behaviour was inappropriate and what they can do differently next time. This fosters problem-solving skills and emotional intelligence.

Conclusion

Home is safe, home is where I belong.

Corporal punishment may provide immediate compliance, but it comes with significant risks to your child's emotional and mental health. By shifting to positive discipline techniques, you can guide your child toward better choices while nurturing a loving, trusting relationship. Remember, the goal of discipline is not to control your child but to teach them self-regulation, empathy, and respect for themselves and others. By using effective, non-punitive approaches, you’ll help your child develop intrinsic values and moral judgements, seeing them mature into a well-rounded individual capable of making thoughtful decisions.

Let the punishment be the punishment, NOT YOU

Screenshot 2025-04-09 at 11.35.49 am

Try This!

Disciplining children is tough, especially when paired with defiant, oppositional, or head strong temperaments. While this article seeks to educate and provide alternatives to harmful practices, judgment is not helpful. As Rag n Bone Man sang, "We are human after all". I hope this article is clear in its intention, this is not about advocating for permissive parenting, and equally is advocating for empirically supported discipline practices. Each family is unique, therefore some of the below tips will work for your family, and some wont. If one doesn't work it is recommend you try another.

Here are some tips to help implement adaptive discipline practices.

  • Focus on consequences, not punishment. Natural and logical consequences help children understand the link between their actions and the outcomes, promoting learning and self-regulation.
  • Watch out for the good stuff! Make a list of the behaviours you want to see aligned to your family values, model those behaviours and call it out when you see it.
  • Strengthen your parenting team. There will be many issues that caregivers will disagree over, and this division often creates space for the child to insert themselves into the parenting team, which blurs roles and expectations. Find time to discuss and agree or compromise on parenting decisions. Regardless of whether you are a single parent, sharing caregiving duties with grandparents or other significant others, making time to check in with all those providing care to your child, within the home and beyond is paramount. Be explicit in your expectations, check they are age-appropriate, and be consistent in your follow through of consequences.
  • Step into your child's shoes. Statistically very few children, and no child I have worked with has ever told me they feel "good" about hurting others, or making parents angry or upset, despite the level of aggression and behavioural difficulties. Taking time to be curious and actively listen to understand their perspective, motive and insight, will provide common ground. Their perception or interpretation may not make sense to you, however the more we understand their perspective and show we understand the better grounding we have to provide alternative views with the same outcome in mind.
  • Avoid corporal punishment. The research is clear, there is more risk to long term psychological wellbeing, and is largely ineffective for long term behaviour change. Essentially, corporal punishment often fails to teach the why and propagates the notion that harmful behaviour teaches lessons.
  • Be aware of your own helpful or unhelpful thoughts/ beliefs​. Know what gets in the way of you responding in an optimal manner​, what assumptions are being made about their behaviour?
  • Increase tolerance for distress: Invest time in learning distress tolerance skills helpful to you. Article coming soon.

Practical Resources

https://www.pafra.org/eppac-support-parents

Children voices

Students Voice Postcards initiative. You can download the PDF booklet here.

Unseen and unheard: Listening to the voices of young people with lived experiences of violence

Physical punishment in Australia

Positive Discipline video

Practicing distress tolerance for parents

Distress tolerance skills

Parentworks

Tuning into Teens

Option for Action

This is an opportunity to choose action based on your personal values, beliefs, comfortability, and appropriateness. This is not a request for you to act.

Australia’s current legislation allow for “corporal punishment of children under the principle of "reasonable chastisement" or similar provisions, allowing parents and caregivers to administer physical force for discipline, but with limitations”.

  • New South Wales: Section 61AA of the Crimes Act 1900 allows parents to administer corporal punishment that is "reasonable" given the child's age, maturity, health and other characteristics, as well as the nature of their misbehaviour.

Here is call to action, calling on State and Territory authorities to repeal criminal law legislation that permits physical punishment and to insert a clause into relevant civil legislation which states that physical punishment is no longer appropriate.

https://www.pafra.org/eppac

The below video is beyond the scope of parenting, however it speaks to global and local systemic issues that prevent the enforcement of well meaning policies and legislation required to protect our children from harm.

References

Dadds, M. R., & Tully, L. A. (2019). What Is It to Discipline a Child: What Should It Be? A Reanalysis of Time-Out From the Perspective of Child Mental Health, Attachment, and Trauma. The American Psychologist, 74(7), 794–808. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000449

The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child, in its General Comment No. 8 (2006)

World Health Organization. (2021a, November 23). Corporal Punishment and Health. Www.who.int; World Health Organization. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/corporal-punishment-and-health

Xu, J., Tully, L. A., & Dadds, M. R. (2024). Generation time-out grows up: young adults’ reports about childhood time-out use and their mental health, attachment, and emotion regulation. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 33(10), 3471–3479. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-024-02408-8