As parents, we want our children to feel connected, included and accepted at school, and intuitively recognise that this is likely to make them feel happier.

So, what does it mean to belong? Belonging is the subjective human experience of connection and acceptance among others. Where proximity or shared interests may be necessary, neither are sufficient to create a sense of belonging. Instead, it is the perception of quality, meaning, and satisfaction with our relationships. It is the feeling our authentic self (not our social chameleon) is accepted. As Bene Brown also said, “True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

Our sense of belonging is a fundamental human need and a requisite for survival that humans have sought and instilled since our prehistoric roots. The importance of belonging has been well documented (Allen et al; Arslan), and is found to predict higher life satisfaction, motivation, meaningful relationships, healthy habits, and better physical health.

On the flip side, social isolation has a profound effect on our wellbeing and functioning. In fact, neuroscientists have affirmed that when we are ostracised, we feel pain akin to physical pain. Acquiescence and conformity are often used as protective strategies to avoid social rejection. Yet, such strategies ironically work contrary to our sense of belonging. That is, they prevent us from showing up as our authentic self.

Development

As parents, we can attest to the central concerns of our adolescents being how they view themselves and preserve their image. Childhood and adolescence are marked by the unique and critical neuronal development in the brain associated with social processing, and emotional regulation. The need to belong is therefore intertwined with identity development, emotional regulation, and psychosocial adjustment. Hence, the importance of fostering a sense of school belonging.

School belonging

School belonging is “the extent to which students feel personally accepted and supported by others in the school environment” (Goodenow, 1993) and has been found a strong predictor of emotional stability, fewer behavioural problems, fewer peer problems, prosocial behaviour, and academic achievement. On the flip side, social rejection predicts anxiety, depression, school refusal, and a greater gap between academic ability and academic achievement. Strong predictors of school belonging include the student-teacher relationship (Allen et al., 2018), peer relationships and parental attitudes towards the school.


Parent support is an important factor underpinning a student’s sense of belonging at school (Allen et al., 2018). Parents can provide a safe, stable, and nurturing base at home as their children navigate the challenges of adolescence and peer relationships.  Moreover, students are more likely to feel connected to their school when parents demonstrate that they are supportive of, and value, education and learning (Allen et al., 2018). 

Fostering belonging

How can I help my loved ones achieve a sense of belonging among others outside (and inside) the home? We can perhaps understand how to foster belonging by thinking about why social rejection occurs in the first place. Humans seek predictability and familiarity and thus a people are socially rejected due to physical characteristics that differ from our own, undesirable or atypical behaviours, and previous experiences that feed into negative expectations.

Demonstrating coherence between our own behaviours and values, and employing a compassionate and empathetic approach within our own relationships and daily interactions, can explicitly teach and implicitly model integrity, emotion regulation, and an open mindedness that will benefit our children’s approach to social interactions.

Transitions also mark a period of disconnection, exposing us to new social norms and unfamiliar people. The need to belong is therefore accentuated during transitions and will be a primary driver of behaviour. Examples of major transitions include moving home, parental separation, adjusting to a new health condition, and for our children moving from primary to high school, or adolescence into early adulthood. Naturally, transitions are the hallmark of term one as we move from holiday mode to school mode. Thus, this time of year provides us an opportunity to foster our children’s sense of school belonging in efforts to support their future wellbeing and academic engagement.

Try this!

  • Teach and model empathy towards others
  • Live by your values, and call it out when you don't.
  • Demonstrate a respect and value for learning, and a positive attitude towards the school.
  • Normalise fears of social rejection – share your own experiences of how you overcome your own fear of rejection.
  • Nurture positive relationships with school staff.
  • Encourage and practically support co-curricular involvement.
  • Get involved with the Knox parent community and parent seminars.
  • Explicitly catch and challenge negative assumptions or judgements.
  • Nurture your child’s authentic self: help your child identify strengths and provide opportunities where they can be utilised.
  • Model and nurture self-compassion (for example, following a mistake you could say ‘I could have done that differently, but people make mistakes, next time I will…..”, instead of “that was such a stupid mistake”, “I’ve let everyone down”).
  • Model and encourage healthy emotion regulation strategies (i.e. removing trigger / self from triggering environment, or engaging with relaxation strategies).
  • Schedule opportunities to show interest in what your child’s is learning at school (and how this might be valuable/rewarding), and to discuss successes and challenges they are experiencing.
  • Use role play to act out novel situations they might be worried about.