Noticing how we relate to ourselves in time of stress or despair, and gently cultivating a healthy relationship with ourselves is an invaluable skill. Adolescence is a high-risk time for developing harsh self-criticism, and if left unchecked, this can become the default way teenagers relate to themselves for the rest of their lives1. The mental and physical effects of harsh self-criticism are alarmingly damaging [2]. There is, however, a solution. Self-compassion refers to a healthy desire to treat ourselves in a supportive, kind and encouraging way, as we would a good friend who was facing a difficultly [3,4,5].

This paper will examine research on the benefits of self-compassion. Self-compassion offers psychological resilience across the lifespan and seems to buffer the maladaptive effects of self-criticism and perfectionism [6]. Current empirical evidence supporting the benefits of self-compassion will be reviewed, and strategies that educators, parents and students can implement will be outlined.

Self-criticism Predicts a Range of Mental Health Disorders

There is one relationship we can never leave; the relationship we have with ourselves. It is so powerful that we are often not even aware of it, and we tend overlook investing and nourishing it as we would relationships with other people. Forming an identity and a way of treating ourselves when we make errors or experience difficulty is a key task of adolescence [7]. Relating to ourselves in a harsh, self-critical way makes us psychologically vulnerable to developing a wide range of psychological symptoms and disorders [8,9,10].

Specifically, self-criticism refers to constant and harsh self-scrutiny [11]. Self-criticism is more than feeling disappointed when we do not accomplish our goals - it is berating oneself and judging ourselves to be worthless and useless. Constructive criticism sounds like “I am disappointed with my grade, I would approach study differently next time” whereas problematic self-criticism sounds like “I am disappointed with my grade, I am useless and will never amount to anything, what’s the point in trying”. The later response is likely to trigger feelings of failure, guilt, inferiority and shame [12]. Rather than being motivating, these feelings place us at higher risk of a range of psychological disorders including depression, eating disorders, social anxiety disorder, personality disorders and psychotic symptoms [13]. Self-criticism also predicts greater externalising behaviours, including aggression and delinquent behaviours in boys aged 11-14 years [14]. Troublingly, high self-criticism is also treatment-resistant, meaning that when it is present, it makes psychological therapy less effective for other mental health disorders [15].

Adolescence is a Ripe Breeding Ground for Harsh Self-criticism

Several critical features about adolescence places students at risk of developing unhealthy patterns of self-relating, especially self-criticism. During adolescence, puberty involves the experience of intense emotions coupled with emerging emotion regulation skills and rapid brain development [16]. Put another way, adolescents must manage emotions and situations which adults manage but without the yet-developed skills to cope appropriately. Adolescents also become more focused on the school environment and peer friendships than the family, promoting self-consciousness and a greater awareness of social hierarchies and rank [17,18]. Existing prevalence rates of poor mental health in adolescence have further doubled during the COVID-19 pandemic. Recent studies suggest that globally, 1 in 4 youth experience clinically elevated depression symptoms, and 1 in 5 experience clinical elevated anxiety symptoms [19]. Now, more than ever, we need to protect adolescents from developing harsh inner worlds characterised by self-criticism, which become especially damaging in times of pain or stress.

"Self-compassion is defined as “a basic kindness, with a deep awareness of the suffering of oneself… coupled with the wish and effort to relieve it."

There is a Solution: Self-compassion

Individuals who experience high levels of shame and self-criticism often have difficulty being kind and supportive to themselves. Self-compassion is defined as “a basic kindness, with a deep awareness of the suffering of oneself… coupled with the wish and effort to relieve it” [20]. Self-compassion is effectively taking the kindness, respect and support we would offer a good friend, and turning some of it inward towards ourselves [21]. Self-compassion is both a trait and an ability, meaning some are naturally more self-compassionate than others, but it can also be cultivated or taught effectively [22].

A primary influence on the development of self-compassion in an adolescent is whether the primary caregiver or parent practices self-compassion. Social relationships, especially those with primary caregivers, are thought to play a key role in developing a child’s emotion regulation system, and ability to respond to personal distress with compassion [23]. Illustratively, individuals who recall warmth and connectedness in early caregiver relationships are more capable of self-compassion [24]. A study exploring attachment experiences, self-criticism, and self-reassurance found that recall of parental rejection and overprotection was associated with higher self-criticism, and recall of parental warmth was associated with self-reassurance in times of distress [25]. A study on mothers found that healthy attachment to their children predicted higher quality of life experienced by the child, and this relationship was partially explained by the mothers being self-compassionate. If mothers were low on self-compassion, children tended to have poorer quality of life [26]. Such research emphasises the benefits of parents practicing self-compassion for both themselves and their children.

"One study found that university students who were preparing for a difficult exam were more likely to be motivated, study harder, and as a result performed better when encouraged to be self-compassionate rather than base their self-worth on academic performance."

Benefits of Practicing Self-compassion

With some colleagues, we found that self-compassion moderated the well-established link between perfectionism and depression [27]. Perfectionism, that is high levels of self-criticism and relentlessly beating yourself up in a harsh tone if you fall short of impossibly high standards, has a firmly established link with increased depression symptoms. Self-compassion, however, provides a protective buffer and effectively reduces this link. This pattern was found in an adolescent sample and replicated in an adult sample, suggesting it is relevant across the lifespan. Results suggest self-compassion allows you to retain the benefits of being a perfectionist, such as being motivated, having high goals and being hard working, whilst also reducing the costs of perfectionism like being very self-critical and hard on yourself in difficult moments.

Common fears of being more self-compassionate include concerns it is merely hedonism, will encourage laziness, or will reduce accountability [28]. Yet an exponentially growing body of research demonstrates that greater self-compassion has the opposite effect. One study found that university students who were preparing for a difficult exam were more likely to be motivated, study harder, and as a result performed better when encouraged to be self-compassionate rather than base their self-worth on academic performance [29]. Specific to adolescents, higher levels of self-compassion have also been linked with greater wellbeing in those with chronic illnesses [30], less self-harming behaviour [31], less suicidal ideation [32], improved sleep [33], less psychological distress34, fewer depression symptoms35, use of healthier emotion regulation strategies [36], greater emotional wellbeing [37,38], and protection against stress [39].

Try This!

Practice what you preach and know the benefits are evidence based. Parents who practice self-compassion themselves can become powerful role models for their children. Parents can notice and reflect on how they personally react to moments of error or pain. If your immediate response is saying “I’m such an idiot!” or anger or shame, you can gently question whether a more compassionate, grounded response may be more helpful. In addition, knowing that self-compassion is evidence-based and having an experience of it being helpful will position parents to be more genuine when discussing self-compassion with their child.

Three steps:

  1. Pay attention to your self-critical voice. Notice when your own self-criticism pops up, and gently experiment with it. Give the self-critical voice a name/label (ie “Voldemort”) so it becomes easier to recognise. When you do catch Voldemort getting loud, try asking yourself:
  • Would I say this to a good friend who I cared about and wanted to see do well?
  • Is there another perspective on this I’m missing?
  • Is the outcome really that bad? What am I actually scared of?
  • What would I say to a 10-year-old version of me in this situation?
  • Why is my self-critical voice so strong right now, what does this mean to me?

Open up a conversation with your child.

  • Parents can discuss self-compassion and self-talk with their child or adolescent. For example, a parent might say, “I have a critical voice that pops up in my mind when things are tough. It says things like “I’m not good enough” and can sound really mean. I call this voice Voldemort. Does this happen to you? What would you name your critical voice? Is it stronger at certain times? Is it harder to ignore at certain times? What triggers it?”

Introduce self-compassion

  • If a parent catches their child or adolescent in a moment of self-criticism they might ask, “In that same situation, if it were a good friend who you cared about in that situation instead of you, what would you say to them?”
  • A parent might address self-criticism in their child or adolescents’ moment of disappointment. For example, “I know you haven’t received the mark you were aiming for, and you just want this pain to pass. It will eventually pass, but it’s also a chance to develop self-compassion to carry with you to help in times in the future when you might feel stressed or overwhelmed.”

Strategies for Educators:

Teaching is a profession which requires high cognitive, emotional, and physical capacity, coupled with a tendency to attract motivated and perfectionistic personality types. These factors combine to place teachers at high risk of burnout [40,41 42]. Educators can work on noticing and addressing their own self-critic, replacing this harsh and unkind tone with a more compassionate way of self-relating.

The three steps outlined for parents can also be used by educators.

  1. Pay attention to your self-critic and know the benefits are evidence-based. As a profession, education often attracts personalities that are high in perfectionism, and combined with the high pressures of the profession, this places teachers at risk of high self-criticism. Notice when your critical voice arises and label it. Gently consider whether there is a more compassionate approach to the situation.
  2. Open up a conversation with a student who is struggling. Teachers can discuss self-compassion and self-talk with students who are struggling. For example, a teacher might say, “We all have a critical voice that pops up when things are tough. It says things like “I’m not good enough” and can sound really mean. It can be helpful to give this voice a name like Voldemort or ‘Angry Andy’ so you recognise it faster in the future. Does this happen to you? What would you name your critical voice? Is it stronger at certain times? Is it harder to ignore at certain times? What triggers it?”
  3. Introduce self-compassion. If a teacher notices their student in a moment of self-criticism they might ask, “In that same situation, if it were a good friend who you cared about in that situation instead of you, what would you say to them?”

Educators can be alert to noticing students who struggle with harsh self-criticism and perfectionism. Given these traits place students at an increased risk of low self-compassion and poor mental health outcomes, it may be helpful to refer the student to the school counselling team. Such referrals can be framed in a positive way, for example as “a chance to talk about what’s getting in the way of what you want to accomplish right now”. Some indicators to watch for in students include;

  • Procrastination [43]. This can take many forms such as;
  1. Struggling to make decisions in a timely manner (e.g., fear of selecting the best essay topic leads to avoidance of getting started)
  2. Writing long to-do lists or excessive organising. This subtly avoids commencing the task
  • Giving up easily. Anything deemed too hard or likely to result in mistakes is discontinued, even though mistakes are a natural part of learning something new.
  • Reassurance seeking (e.g., excessively asking others for approval or affirmation)
  • Appearing disproportionally upset about a grade, and as a result avoiding or being unmotivated to attempt similar tasks in future.

Strategies for Students:

Notice the self-critic. The self-critic often says things like:

  • “Look how bad your mark is, you’re a terrible student, you’ll never do well” . this is much more harsh and less helpful than saying something like: “this mark is lower than I was hoping for, I’d approach study differently next time”

Know that the self-critical voice is likely to be exaggerating how bad something is, or only focusing on the worst-case scenario.

  • Know that our brains are evolutionarily hardwired to do this; this is normal. We can’t help it, but we can learns ways to understand and manage it.

Use these prompts when you notice your self-critic is getting loud, to implement some self-compassion. Ask yourself:

  • “Is there another way to look at this?”
  • “What would I say to a good friend who I cared about if they were in this situation instead of me”
  • “What do I really need right now?” (i.e. to talk to someone who understands, a hug, a big run to use up nervous energy, some distracting music, a creative outlet, to have a big cry, etc)

Give yourself permission to practice self-compassion

  • Know that science supports self-compassion, and every time you practice it, you are developing greater psychological resilience

Talk to someone your trust about this – some issues can’t be “figured out” by you. You don’t have the same resources and experience that an adult may have access to. Confiding in someone you trust, a parent, friend, teacher or school counsellor, can open up a range of new options you may not have considered. These options may include a different way of thinking about the problem that is more helpful, brainstorming solutions you hadn’t considered, finding additional professional support for you, or accessing additional resources.

Conclusion

Self-criticism is a transdiagnostic predictor of a diverse range of psychological disorders and symptoms. Self-compassion is a healthier way of relating to oneself in times of pain or distress. It involves taking the compassionate wisdom that you’d offer a friend who was in distress, and turning it inward on yourself. This self-soothing enables you to build psychological resilience and prevent the development of a wide range of psychological disorders and symptoms, and improve overall wellbeing.

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