Parenting... When Less is More

As both a parent and a child psychologist, I am familiar with the daily challenges and emotional demands of parenting and appreciate how the well-intentioned "try to remain calm" advice from psychologists can sometimes feel unrealistic, impossible, or even dismissive of the challenging situations and behaviours parents are managing.

When writing this article, it occurred to me that when we respond to our children's emotional reactions, we are often asking them to do precisely what we ourselves find so difficult: regulate emotions in moments of distress.

When I work with children and adolescents, I am almost always met with protective barriers they have built. These may present as anger, anxiety, avoidance, defiance, or withdrawal. Over time, however, I have the privilege of meeting the vulnerable child beneath those defences. Underneath the frustration and perceived unfairness is often a young person trying to cope with emotional confusion or distress in the best way they know how. These behaviours frequently function as protective coping strategies, shielding the child from vulnerability, often without any awareness of the relational patterns these strategies create.

How Our Interpretation Shapes Our Response

As parents, we don't respond directly to our child's behaviour, we respond to what we believe that behaviour means. This distinction is important because the meaning we assign to our child's behaviour shapes our emotional response, and ultimately, how we act. When our child is distressed, angry, withdrawn, or anxious, how we interpret those signals influences whether we respond with curiosity, empathy, frustration, or urgency.

Throughout childhood, we develop implicit beliefs about emotions, relationships, and caregiving based on how our own emotional needs were responded to. These experiences often create "rules" that continue to influence parenting in adulthood, often outside of our awareness.

For example, we may have learned:

Distress is dangerous and should be stopped as quickly as possible.
Strong emotions are a sign that something is wrong.
It's not safe to express sadness, anger, or fear.
Good parents prevent their children from feeling distressed.
If my child is upset, I have done something wrong.
Negative emotions will lead to negative outcomes if they are not immediately resolved.

These beliefs can lead to an emotional enmeshment with our child. Rather than seeing distress as a normal part of development, we may feel compelled to remove it immediately. While this response is motivated by care and protection, it can sometimes unintentionally communicate that emotions are overwhelming, unsafe, or need to be avoided. When we step in too early, it sends the message “you can’t/ won’t cope”.

Our interpretations are also influenced by what is happening within us in that moment. When we are tired after a poor night's sleep, juggling competing demands, under time pressure, experiencing relationship stress, or feeling overwhelmed ourselves, we are more likely to interpret our child's behaviour as deliberate, personal, or problematic. We may find ourselves thinking:

"They're doing this on purpose."
"Nothing I do is working."
"I'm failing as a parent."
"I have to make them feel better."
"If they're this distressed, something terrible is going to happen."
“They’re not coping and it will get worse”
“They can’t do it - I need to fix it for them”

These thoughts understandably increase our own emotional arousal. We may feel anxious, helpless, guilty, frustrated, or angry. As our emotions intensify, our ability to think flexibly and respond sensitively often becomes more limited.

Parent-Child Relational Cycles

This interplay of interpretations and learnt coping strategies, create relational cycles, that develop gradually over time and become reinforced through repeated interactions. Through our own life experiences, we naturally form associations between particular behaviours and the intentions we believe lie behind them. As a result, when we observe Behaviour A, our brains automatically draw on previous experiences and quickly infer Intent B, often without conscious thought. This interpretation then shapes our response.

Unfortunately, our reaction may unintentionally reinforce the behaviour we were initially responding to, perpetuating the cycle and strengthening the assumptions on both sides.

When we as parents are able to regulate our own emotions and reframe situations, we are more likely to respond supportively rather than reactively. Still, expecting ourselves to remain calm at all times is unrealistic, therefore the goal is not perfection, but to increase our capacity to pause, regulate, and respond intentionally more often than we react automatically.

If you're looking for practical support, you can jump ahead to the stress management strategies and resources here.

The following two scenarios illustrate how relational cycles can unfold in everyday parent-child interactions.

Scenarios

Scenario 1: "You're Always Like This"

It's 7:35 a.m. on a school morning.

The kitchen is busy. A parent is trying to finish packing lunches, answer a work email, and make sure everyone gets out the door on time. They've already had a stressful start after sleeping poorly and worrying about an important meeting later that morning.

Their 15-year-old walks into the kitchen looking upset. The teenager had expected to be selected for the school basketball team, but the team list was posted the night before and their name wasn't on it. They've barely spoken since.

The parent notices the teenager hasn't touched breakfast.

Parent: "You need to eat something. We're leaving in ten minutes."

The teenager shrugs without making eye contact.

Teenager: "Whatever."

The parent interprets the response as attitude rather than hurt.

Parent: "Excuse me? Don't speak to me like that."

The teenager sighs loudly.

Teenager: "I said whatever."

Inside, the teenager is thinking:

"I worked so hard. Everyone else made it. I don't want to talk about it because if I do, I'll probably cry."

But none of that is visible. What the parent sees is withdrawal and irritability.

Already feeling pressure from the morning rush, the parent's frustration grows.

"Why is everything a battle? I'm trying to help and all I get is attitude."

Parent: "I'm sick of this rude behaviour. Everyone has disappointments. You still have responsibilities."

The teenager hears:

"They don't care how I feel."

Feeling misunderstood, they become more defensive.

Teenager: "You don't get it. Just leave me alone."

They grab their bag roughly, knocking a water bottle onto the floor.

The loud crash spikes the parent's stress even further.

Parent: "That's enough! Stop acting like this. You're making everyone's morning miserable."

The teenager mutters under their breath.

Teenager: "I hate this house."

The parent takes the comment personally.

"After everything I do for them, this is the thanks I get."

Feeling hurt and unappreciated, the parent responds from emotion rather than curiosity.

Parent (raising voice): "Fine! If that's how you feel, maybe you should think about how lucky you are. You're being selfish and incredibly disrespectful."

The teenager slams the front door.

Both leave feeling upset.

Escalation cycle

Teen experiences disappointment.
Teen withdraws and responds briefly.
Parent interprets behaviour as disrespect.
Parent feels hurt, frustrated, and aggravated.
Parent responds with criticism or anger.
Teen feels misunderstood and invalidated.
Teen becomes more avoidant or abrasive.
Parent sees increased disrespect, reinforcing their original interpretation.

Neither person intends to escalate the conflict. The teenager is struggling with disappointment, while the parent is trying to manage multiple stressors and maintain the morning routine. The combination of emotional distress, time pressure, and misinterpretation of each other's behaviour creates a feedback loop in which both feel unheard and increasingly reactive.

Scenario 2: "I Can't Do It"

Context

It's Thursday evening. Tomorrow morning, 12-year-old Mia is due to attend basketball team tryouts. She's a capable player and has enjoyed the sport for years. Her coach has encouraged her to try out, believing she has a good chance of making the representative team.

Over the past week, however, Mia has become increasingly anxious. She worries that she'll make mistakes, disappoint people, or embarrass herself in front of the other players. Rather than talking about these fears directly, she repeatedly says she doesn't want to go.

Her parents know how much she enjoys basketball and worry that anxiety is stopping her from doing something she values. They don't want her to miss an opportunity she'll later regret.

The Evening Before

After dinner, Mia sits quietly on the couch.

Mia: "I'm not going tomorrow."

Her mother looks up.

Mother: "You've been looking forward to this for months."

Mia shakes her head.

Mia: "I can't do it."

Her breathing becomes quicker.

Mother: "Why not?"

Mia: "I'll mess everything up."

Trying to reduce Mia's distress, her mother immediately begins reassuring her.

Mother: "You won't mess up. You're one of the strongest players on your team."

Mia doesn't look convinced.

Mia: "But what if I forget everything?"

Mother: "You won't. You've practised for years."

A few moments later...

Mia: "What if everyone is better than me?"

Mother: "They won't be. Your coach thinks you're ready."

Instead of becoming calmer, Mia appears more distressed.

Mia: "But what if they're not? What if I'm the worst one there?"

Parents Become More Invested

Over the next hour, Mia asks similar questions repeatedly.

"Are you sure I'll be okay?"
"Promise I won't embarrass myself?"
"Do you really think I'll make the team?"
"What if everyone laughs?"
"Will you stay the whole time?"
"What if I panic?"

Each time, her parents answer carefully.

Father: "You'll be fine."

Mother: "Nothing bad is going to happen."

Father: "You're overthinking."

Mother: "We've watched you play hundreds of times."

Each answer briefly settles Mia for a minute or two.

Then another worry appears.

As the evening goes on, Mia's parents become increasingly invested in convincing her to attend. They remind her of her strengths, reassure her that she'll be okay, promise to stay, and even offer rewards.

Father: "How about we go out for breakfast afterwards?"

Each reassurance provides only brief relief before another "what if?" question appears.

Mia continues crying.

"I just can't."

The evening becomes consumed by anxiety. Bedtime is delayed, the younger sibling becomes upset by the attention focused on Mia, and after she goes to bed she repeatedly calls for her parents, seeking further comfort and reassurance. Both parents spend much of the night trying to settle her, leaving everyone emotionally and physically exhausted.

The Next Morning

Mia wakes saying she feels sick.

"My stomach hurts."

"I think I'm getting a fever."

She asks repeatedly whether she really has to go.

Both parents are exhausted after sleeping poorly.

Her mother is worried that forcing the issue will make things worse.

Her father becomes frustrated.

Father: "We've talked about this for two days. We've answered every question."

Mia begins crying again.

"I can't."

Her mother starts reassuring her once more.

"You don't have to worry."

"You'll be okay."

"We'll be there."

The conversation circles back through the same fears they discussed the night before.

Everyone is running late.

The morning becomes tense and emotionally draining.

Reassurance cycle

Mia experiences anxiety about the tryout.
She seeks reassurance by asking questions or expressing worries.
Her parents provide reassurance to help her feel better.
Mia feels temporary relief.
The anxiety returns with a new "what if?" question.
She seeks more reassurance.
Her parents provide increasingly frequent and elaborate reassurance.
The cycle repeats throughout the evening and into the next morning.

Over time, the reassurance becomes part of the anxiety cycle. Although it reduces distress in the moment, Mia comes to rely on reassurance to feel safe, making it harder for her to develop confidence in tolerating uncertainty or discovering through experience that she can cope. Meanwhile, the repeated discussions consume family time, disrupt routines, delay bedtime, increase parental stress, and leave everyone feeling emotionally depleted.

Children don't need parents who prevent all distress. They benefit most from parents who stay emotionally available, regulated, and confident while helping them work through difficult emotions.

Compassionate boundaries.

When we notice our own thoughts, emotions, and assumptions before reacting, we create space to respond with curiosity rather than urgency. In doing so, we communicate one of the most powerful attachment messages a child can receive:

"Your feelings make sense. I trust you will be able to ride this challenge, and when you need me I will be here to support you.”

This secure base helps children gradually develop confidence in their own ability to understand, tolerate, and regulate difficult emotions, rather than needing to avoid or eliminate them.

A common misunderstanding, is that allowing space for your child's emotions is permissive, boundless, and requires a gentle approach to behaviours. However, there is a clear distinction between acceptance and approval, whereby accepting emotions and making room for supportive responses, is not to approve or give permission to hurtful or unhealthy responses/behaviours. Essentially we are teaching: all emotions are valid, but not all expressions are acceptable.

Children may express difficult emotions through behaviours such as swearing, slamming doors, hitting objects, pervasive avoidance, or speaking disrespectfully. These behaviours require clear and consistent boundaries, however it is important to distinguish between the emotion and its expression.

As Dr Ross Greene said "Kids do well if they can".

Children benefit most when parents can hold both compassion and limits. We can acknowledge and validate the underlying feeling while setting limits on behaviours that are unsafe, unhelpful, or disrespectful. This communicates that emotions are acceptable and manageable, while also teaching that there are safe and respectful ways to express them.

Often, I meet parents who are understandably hesitant to hold boundaries and expectations when their child is experiencing anxiety or worry, compared with when their child is behaving in ways that seem unreasonably angry or frustrated. After all, setting limits on angry behaviour will come more naturally than setting limits on fear-based behaviour.

However, accomodations are a significant factor that maintains anxiety. Accomodating behaviours such as, changing routines, speaking or answering for the child in social situations, avoiding feared places of situations, participating in the child's rituals or compulsions, avoiding discussions of a subject, negotiating or removing expectations, or providing ways to escape difficult emotions, reinforce the belief that the feared stimulus should be avoided. This does not mean we should revert to authoritarian principles and brutally 'push' our kids through; instead it demands the difficult task of balancing acknowledgment and empathy with compassionate boundaries so that our family can move towards the things that matter most despite the discomfort along the way. So, when we validate and support our child's emotional experience, it is equally important to encourage adaptive coping and maintain expectations that promote resilience, participation, and socially appropriate behaviour.

An important caveat: when responding to a child's behaviour it is important to understand the function of behaviour. For example, when responding to atypical sensitivities (common but not exclusive to neurodiverse brains), consideration to the to child's capacity is warranted, because when the avoidance is not fear-based but a neurological 'can't', adjustments to the environment will be appropriate and necessary.

When Less is More

Supportive responses are found to positively influence children’s emotional and social coping and reduce parental stress.

When responding to our children's emotions, we may find ourselves negotiating, demanding immediate behaviour change, or offering lengthy reassurance in the hope of helping them feel better. Yet, often the more effective response is to say and do less, not more.

Too many words or actions can unintentionally communicate that the situation is dangerous enough to require fixing, convincing, or rescuing. It can also overwhelm children when they are emotionally activated, making it almost impossible for them to process and respond to what we are saying.

Holding the line with warmth, empathy, and confidence helps children learn that while emotions deserve to be heard, they do not have to dictate behaviour. Over time, this fosters their ability to soothe themselves, tolerate discomfort, and seek support when they need it.

Let's revisit the previous scenarios and consider how they might unfold differently.

Supportive Parent Response

Scenario 1: The parent notices their own frustration building and reminds themselves that the behaviour may be communicating distress rather than defiance.

Parent:
"You seem really upset this morning. I wonder if this is about the team?"

The teenager shrugs.

Teenager:
"I don't want to talk about it."

Instead of pushing for conversation or correcting the tone, the parent acknowledges the emotion.

Parent:
"That's okay. You don't have to talk about it right now” Depending on the mood/situation you could follow up with a normalising statement: Missing out on something you worked hard for really hurts."

The teenager remains quiet but stops arguing.

The parent balances empathy with the need to continue the morning routine.

Parent:
"We've still got to get ready for school, even though today feels hard. I'll help you get through this morning, and we can talk more this afternoon if you want."

When the teenager responds curtly—

Teenager:
"Whatever."

The parent avoids taking the comment personally.

Instead of saying:

"Don't be rude."

A Pause.

The routine continues with minimal discussion.

Later that afternoon, when there is time and less emotional intensity, the parent revisits the conversation.

Parent:
"Yesterday was disappointing. Do you want to tell me what that was like?"

The teenager is more willing to engage because they no longer feel pressured.

During this conversation, you may also wish to discuss your family's expectations around respectful communication, while maintaining an empathic and understanding stance.

Scenario 2: A child is anxious about basketball tryouts and repeatedly seeks reassurance that everything will be okay.

The parent recognises that repeated reassurance has not reduced anxiety and instead shifts to validating the emotion while encouraging confidence in the child's ability to cope.

Child:
"I'm not going tomorrow."

Parent:
"It sounds like you're feeling really anxious about the tryouts."

The child nods.

Child:
"What if I embarrass myself?"

Rather than immediately saying:

"You won't."

the parent acknowledges the uncertainty.

Parent:
"That's a scary thought. I can understand why you're worried about that."

The child continues crying.

Child:
"But what if I panic?"

The parent avoids giving certainty.

"Can you promise it'll be okay?"

The parent resists providing reassurance that anxiety will disappear.

Parent:
"I can't promise exactly how tomorrow will go. What I do know is that you've handled difficult things before, and we'll help you through it."

The child remains anxious.

Instead of continuing to answer every "what if?" question, the parent redirects attention toward coping.

Parent:
"I can understand there is a lot of uncertainty. Let's think about what will help."

Together they identify strategies:

taking slow breaths
arriving a little early
saying hello to the coach
asking for a short break if needed

Before bed:

Parent:
"Being nervous tells us this matters to you. You don't have to get rid of the anxiety before trying. Sometimes we carry the anxiety with us while we do something brave."

The next morning:

Child:
"I still don't want to go."

Parent:
"I know. Your anxiety is really strong this morning."

Pause.

"We're still going to the tryouts because basketball is something you care about. I'll be there to support you, and I believe you can handle feeling nervous."

The child is still anxious but goes to the tryouts.

The scenarios presented here are intentionally simplified. In reality, children may not readily talk about their emotions and may still avoid situations they fear. While we cannot control our child's emotions or choices, we can choose how we respond. With practice, we can become more consistent in responding with calm, curiosity, and connection rather than reacting from frustration or fear.

And when we do react in the heat of the moment (as all parents inevitably do), taking the opportunity to repair the connection and reflect on what happened is just as important.

Parental stress management

Parenting is inherently stressful, and periods of heightened stress are a normal part of raising children. Prioritising your own wellbeing is not a luxury, it is an essential part of supporting your child and begins with recognising our own internal experience, worry, guilt, self-doubt, frustration, exhaustion, and even isolation.

However, if feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, irritable, or depleted persist, or if everyday tasks feel significantly harder than usual, this may be a sign that additional support is needed. Reaching out to supports, accessing parent groups, building in rest, or seeking professional help can all reduce stress and strengthen your ability to respond with calm, consistency, and care.

Parent Resources

Building Emotion Regulation – balancing daily stress

Emotion regulation is the ability to recognise, understand, and respond to emotions in constructive ways. It is a skill that strengthens with practice. Helpful strategies include:

Mindfulness to increase awareness of thoughts and emotions.
COPE Ahead by planning for challenging situations before they arise. Identify likely “hot spots” that trigger stress or emotional dysregulation, build in strategies to support regulation, and adjust expectations where needed (e.g., morning routines, time pressures, mealtimes, work deadlines, and competing commitments).
ABC PLEASE helps reduce emotional vulnerability by looking after physical and emotional wellbeing.

Distress Tolerance – for the crisis moments

During highly emotional moments, the priority is to prevent the situation from escalating.

Helpful skills include:

STOP skill: Pause, breathe, observe what is happening internally and externally, then choose the response that is most helpful rather than reacting impulsively.
TIPP: Use body-based strategies such as changing your temperature, brief intense exercise, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation to reduce physiological arousal.

De-escalation Strategies

Many conflicts can be prevented from escalating by responding early to signs of distress. Effective de-escalation includes:

Paying attention to non-verbal communication.
Maintaining appropriate personal space.
Listening to understand rather than to persuade.
Replacing blame with curiosity and perspective-taking.
Setting clear, calm, and consistent boundaries.

Summary

Parenting inevitably stirs strong emotions in both children and adults. Throughout this article, we have explored how our own stress, beliefs, and interpretations of our child’s behaviour can shape whether we respond reactively or supportively. We have seen that it is often not the behaviour itself that drives our response, but the meaning we attach to it.

Ultimately, our goal is not to prevent children from experiencing disappointment, frustration, anxiety, or sadness, but to help them learn that these emotions are manageable. This involves saying less rather than more, maintaining clear and compassionate boundaries, and supporting children to engage in valued activities even when they feel distressed. Every time we respond with curiosity rather than urgency, empathy rather than criticism, and confidence rather than rescue, we strengthen a child’s belief that they can cope with life’s inevitable challenges. This requires ongoing awareness and management of our own stress responses, and when we inevitably respond imperfectly, taking the time to repair and reconnect offers powerful lessons in relationships, resilience, and emotional wellbeing.