Kids Do Well If They Can

Over the recent school holidays, I took my six-year-old son and one of his friends on a trip to Canberra. Neither child had a Nintendo Switch, tablet, or any other technology device. It was a drive of more than three hours.

For the first part of the journey, they were having a fantastic time. They laughed, chatted, and entertained each other. However, as the trip went on, the energy escalated. The giggling became silliness, the silliness became roughhousing, and before long the behaviour was becoming dangerously distracting while I was driving.

I felt myself becoming increasingly anxious. My concerns about safety quickly turned into frustration, and frustration turned into scolding, threats, and consequences. This cycle repeated itself throughout much of the trip there and, to a lesser extent, on the trip home.

At the time, I believed I was addressing the problem. Looking back, I wasn't.

What I realise now is that my expectation was unrealistic. I was essentially expecting two six-year-olds to sit quietly, regulate themselves, and tolerate three hours of boredom in the back seat of a car.

Kids Do Well if They Can

One of the most powerful mindset shifts a parent can make is moving from asking:

"Why is my child behaving like this?"

to

"What is getting in the way of my child doing well?"

This idea comes from psychologist Dr Ross Greene, who famously stated: "Kids do well if they can."

At first, this may sound simple, but it has the potential to completely transform how we understand children's behaviour.

Many of us were raised with the belief that challenging behaviour is a sign of disobedience, defiance, laziness, manipulation, or a lack of respect. When a child refuses to follow instructions, has a meltdown, lies, argues, or shuts down, it is easy to assume they are choosing to behave that way.

Looking Beyond the Behaviour

When children are struggling, the behaviour is often the part we see. What we don't always see are the skills that may be missing underneath.

A child who screams when frustrated may be struggling with emotional regulation.

A child who constantly argues may be struggling with flexibility and coping with disappointment.

A child who avoids homework may be overwhelmed by executive functioning demands such as planning, organisation, attention, or task initiation.

A child who lies may be struggling with problem-solving, fear of consequences, shame, emotional safety, or communicating difficult truths.

When we focus only on the behaviour, we often react to the symptom rather than understanding the function of that behaviour.

Imagine a child who has difficulty reading. We would not assume they are refusing to read simply because they are manipulative or unmotivated. We would ask:

"What skill is missing and how can I help them develop it?"

The same curiosity can be applied to behaviour.

This does not mean there are no expectations, consequences, or accountability. It means we start from a different place.

Rather than asking:

• Why are they so angry?
• Why are they being difficult?
• Why won't they listen?

We begin to ask:

• What skills are they lacking right now?
• What is making this situation difficult?
• What support do they need to be successful?
• How can I help them learn what they don't yet know?

This shift moves us away from blame and toward understanding.

And understanding creates opportunities for growth.

The Courage to Be Curious

Being curious can be surprisingly difficult.

Many of us were raised in environments where children's views, feelings, and experiences were not always welcomed.

The old message was often:

"Children should be seen and not heard."

While most parents today would disagree with that statement, many of us still carry echoes of it into our parenting.

When children challenge us, question us, become emotional, or make mistakes, it can activate old beliefs about obedience, respect, and authority.

The challenge is to move towards a new mindset: Children deserve to be seen and heard.

This does not mean children make all the decisions.

It does not mean there are no boundaries.

It means we recognise that children's behaviour is communication and that their perspective contains valuable information.

When we lean in and listen, we often discover things we would otherwise miss.

Behaviour Is Communication

Children often communicate through behaviour when they do not yet have the words, emotional awareness, or confidence to communicate directly.

A child who explodes may actually be overwhelmed.

A child who refuses may feel anxious.

A child who withdraws may feel defeated.

A child who constantly seeks reassurance may be struggling with uncertainty.

A child who appears oppositional may be desperately trying to gain some sense of control.

Of course, behaviour is complex. Not every behaviour has a simple explanation.

But when we assume bad intentions, we often stop looking.

When we assume a child is struggling, we start becoming investigators.

We begin asking:

"What happened here?"

instead of

"What's wrong with you?"

That difference matters.

What Is Getting in the Way?

Most parents care deeply about raising kind, respectful, honest, responsible children.

The challenge is remembering that values are taught through practice, support, and modelling—not simply through correction.

One of the most helpful questions parents can ask is:

"What is getting in the way?"

Perhaps the child lacks emotional regulation skills.

Perhaps they lack confidence.

Perhaps they struggle with transitions.

Perhaps they have difficulty tolerating frustration.

Perhaps anxiety is getting in the way.

Perhaps sensory sensitivities are getting in the way.

Perhaps they simply do not yet possess the developmental skills we are expecting.

When we identify the barrier, we can begin to help remove it.

The idea that "kids do well if they can" does not suggest children are not responsible for their behaviour. Rather, it recognises that accountability and compassion can exist together.

Children need limits. They need expectations. They need guidance.

But they also need adults who are willing to look beneath the surface and acknowledge an unresolved problem when the child cannot meet those expectations.

The unresolved problem?

Many parents relate to the challenges of technology use in the home.

Let’s assume, your child constantly talks about gaming, YouTube, social media, or technology. They ask for it first thing in the morning, negotiate for it throughout the day, and seem motivated by little else. When it's time to stop, arguments often follow. Homework gets pushed back, outdoor activities become less appealing, and family time can feel like a battle against screens.

From a frustrated parent's perspective, it is easy to conclude:

• "They're addicted."
• "They're obsessed."
• "They're just being difficult."
• "They don't care about anything else."
• "They're manipulating us to get what they want."

But Dr Ross Greene encourages parents to pause and ask a different question:

The behaviour we see (asking repeatedly, bargaining, refusing to stop, becoming upset), is often the visible part of a deeper issue.

The unresolved problem might be:

• They struggle with transitions.
• They have difficulty tolerating disappointment or boredom.
• Technology provides a sense of mastery and success that they do not experience elsewhere.
• They are using gaming or social media to escape stress, anxiety, loneliness, or feelings of inadequacy.
• They have limited interests outside of screens.
• Executive functioning challenges make it difficult to shift attention from a highly rewarding activity to a less preferred task.

The challenge for parents is to move beyond:

"How do I get them to stop wanting screens?"

and instead ask:

"What is making it so hard for them to stop?"

This is not about ignoring concerns regarding excessive screen use. Parents have every right to hold concerns about technology and to establish expectations around its use. However, Dr Greene argues that, apart from issues involving safety, health, or legal obligations, limits are most effective when they are developed collaboratively with children rather than imposed unilaterally.

His view is that rules designed primarily to control behaviour may stop a problem temporarily but often fail to address the underlying skill deficit or unresolved concern driving the behaviour. As a result, the same struggles tend to reappear in different forms.

Collaborative problem-solving, by contrast, seeks to understand what is making it difficult for the child to meet expectations and works toward solutions that address the root cause.

The Collaborative Approach: Connection Before Correction

One of the most practical aspects of Dr Ross Greene's Collaborative and Proactive Solutions model is that it creates space for curiosity rather than assumptions.

First, we reflect on our expectations to define the problem and our concern.

We can ask ourselves:

• What do I believe is an acceptable amount of x?
• How did I arrive at that number?
• What is an acceptable amount of time to expect adequate behaviour in situation x?
• What specific concerns do I have?
• What would I prefer them to be doing instead?
• Why is that activity important to me?

Parents may say: "I just want them off their screens."

But if screens were removed completely, what would we hope replaces them?

Would we like them to:

• Spend more time outdoors?
• Engage in physical activity?
• Connect with friends?
• Pursue hobbies and interests?
• Read?
• Contribute to family life?
• Complete schoolwork?

Being clear about our goals helps prevent technology from becoming a battle in itself.

Once we have identified and clearly defined our concern, the next step is to understand our child's concern.

This can be surprisingly difficult. As we are only seeing the behaviour, not the reason underneath it.

The collaborative approach encourages us to slow down and gather information before jumping to solutions (or directions).

Many children and teenagers have never been asked to think about their own concerns in this way. They may need time, patience, and support to understand what's happening for them. This is where reflective listening becomes important. Rather than moving straight to lectures or consequences, we stay curious.

We might respond to the initial “don’t know” or grunts with:

"That's okay. It’s important that we work through this, because what we are currently doing isn’t working. We are constantly in conflict over gaming, so It’s important we work this out together because I love you and I don’t like getting mad. So, together let’s think about what is making this difficult".

Instead of telling children why they behave the way they do, we become partners in trying to figure it out.

In a recent interview, Dr Greene suggested there can be many different reasons why a child struggles to come off technology. For one child, the issue may be social. They don't want to let their friends down by leaving in the middle of a game. For another child, it may be about transitions. They have difficulty stopping one activity and starting another. For another, the issue may be motivation. The alternative activity simply feels far less rewarding than gaming.

At first glance, all three children might look exactly the same. They refuse to get off the game.

However, the underlying problems are completely different.

And because the problems are different, the solutions will be different too.

The child worried about letting friends down may need help planning a finishing time with teammates beforehand.

The child who struggles with transitions may benefit from countdowns, warnings, visual schedules, clearer finishing points, or practicing stopping at the end of a game, as opposed to starting a new game that will take them over their time limit.

The child who finds nothing else worthwhile may need support to develop alternative interests, hobbies, friendships, or sources of achievement outside of screens.

If the difficulty is emotional regulation, the focus may be helping the child cope with boredom, frustration, or disappointment when screens are unavailable.

The goal is not simply to remove the technology. The goal is to build the skills that allow children to manage it successfully.

This is why accurately identifying the unresolved problem matters so much.

The goal is not to win a power struggle. The goal is to understand what is getting in the way.

Once both perspectives are on the table, the conversation changes. The parent can clearly communicate their concern:

"I'm worried that you're not getting enough time outside and that homework is becoming stressful because it is left until late in the evening."

The child can communicate their concern:

"I'm in the middle of a game and don't want to leave my friends."

Now there is something concrete to work with.

Rather than arguing about whether the child should come off the game, both parent and child are working together to solve a shared problem.

This is the heart of the Kids Do Well If They Can philosophy. Challenging behaviour is no longer viewed as evidence of laziness, manipulation, disrespect, or defiance. Instead, it becomes information. The behaviour is telling us that something is getting in the way.

The goal is to build the skills that allow children to manage it successfully.

Using my personal story from above, when I state the problem clearly, it sounds something like this:

"I needed the children to engage in quiet, non-distracting activities for three hours in the car, so I could drive safely."

Importantly, I had a legitimate limit - for safety.

However, the issue was not that the children were being deliberately difficult. The issue was that the demands of the situation exceeded their skills and capacities. They were six years old. Their executive functioning skills—particularly attention, impulse control, boredom tolerance, and self-regulation—are still developing.

What was interesting was that when we played games such as I Spy or Spotto, their behaviour improved dramatically. They could focus. They could engage appropriately. The problem wasn't that they were incapable of behaving safely. The problem was that they lacked access to low-level activities to manage a long period of sitting still.

Once I identified the unresolved problem, the solution became much clearer.

These boredom busters did not eliminate every challenging moment, but they certainly reduced many of them.

Takeaway

When parents approach these moments with empathy, curiosity, and a willingness to understand both perspectives, they move from managing behaviour to teaching skills. And it is often through these collaborative conversations that children develop the very skills we hope to see: self-regulation, communication, flexibility, problem-solving, responsibility, and accountability.

Resources

This article has been written based on the work of Dr Ross Greene and his book The Explosive Child.